I can't sleep, been awake for a couple of hours now constructing blog entries in my head.

No2 daughter slept slightly better thanks to sedation but was laid across me we so not only was I uncomfortable but unable to move for quite some time. Eventually she shifted, No1 woke up meaning I could escape downstairs for painkillers and The Hoobs - one was far more welcome than the other!

Anyway I was thinking about blogs in general. There are many different kinds of blogs now, personal ones, business ones, comment on a certain subject type ones. My friend Carrie wrote the following piece a couple of days ago. Carrie is a serious freelance journo, amongst other things she writes and reviews a lot of theatre, so she knows her stuff.

The piece is pretty accurate, a bit tongue in cheek and above all her opinion. The comments though are quite scary and not just because many are semi literate. People start wars and get less grief than she does! Whats that all about?

We live in an age where many of us live out at least part of our lives virtually on Facebook, twitter and blogs. I can't work out if that is a good thing or not. I read several of my friends blogs, status updates and tweets and as a result probably know more about them and their inner lives than I ever did before. That's not always a good thing, for instance, following my party one of my friends has a major crush on my baby brother and thinks he is fit. I can't tell you how very odd and queasy THAT makes me feel!

Sometimes I read things in blogs that are obviously thinly veiled swipes at someone, I can't be the only one worrying 'are they at me'? The level of passive aggression perpetuated by the mediums listed above is pretty near epidemic. It sometimes feels like we are all totally absorbed in a world of our own creation. Another friend recently updated his facebook status proclaiming himself sick of others washing their dirty linen via their status updates - and a day later proceeded to do the same himself.

Then of course there is the fact that when you click the publish button you lose all control over who reads your musings. I know I am not alone by being blind sided by a question or comment relating to a blog post. Maybe I don't want to discuss bone diseases, weight issues or maternal ambivalence but seeing as I'm the one who put it out there in the first place isn't it 2 faced to try and retract it all now? Someone I don't see very often recently told me my kids, especially the youngest, sounded like 'total pains in the arse'. He was going on my status updates. 'I probably wished I'd not bothered having kids right?'

Wow - that hurt! I, like a lot of other parents I know, do use our statuses to vent, particularly about our chronic sleep deprivation etc but the thought that someone could take these off the cuff ramblings and take them to mean something far FAR darker made me want to cry.

For the record, I have before now questioned the sanity of my choice to pro create - so has every parent EVER - including your parents and don't believe them if they deny it either. I have questioned it, concluded that it was an act of insanity, wished for more peace and less angst and then picked myself up and carried on because its amazing what you'll forgive and forget for a cuddle and a kiss (and my kids would tell you the same because this deal cuts both ways).

And so in conclusion? Blogs, status updates, tweets and anything else you care to lump in are only ever a glimpse into someone elses life not the whole deal. You probably will learn new things about your friends from them but reading anything deeper into them is dangerous territory.
(And if you are going to leave comments on any blog slagging off the writer/issuing death threats etc, basic spelling and punctuation won't get you taken anymore seriously but it will give your intended target less of a headache trying to decipher your threats)

P.S That last bit wasn't an invitation

Neon nights

Last week was the best of times and the worst of times.

The situation with Mirrie reached a head and my HV (whom is wonderful) saw the state of me, went and saw the GP, brought Mirries check up with the developmental specialist as far forward as possible (but still 5 weeks away) and gave me some medicine to sedate Mirrie. It can't be used often and the first night she took it, slept and was a different child then next day but every night since she has refused it and is back to being horrendous.

They have had a lovely time with their Granny this weekend but sadly come back the same as they left. I am dreading the summer holidays, no pre school and no creche to share this (at times unbearable) burden. My positivity cracked today, maybe because I had a great weekend and they just bought my crashing back down.

My party was immense. Al and I both had a great time, it was so relaxed and unstressful. Lots of people came, some I hadn't seen for a very long time. The music was spot on, I danced all night. I had so much fun I can't bring myself to hate the photos of me on facebook, even the less than flattering ones. Nearly everyone told me at the end of the night how much they had enjoyed it, loved the pix'n'mix etc and I woke up with a very slight hangover (stuck to shandy all night, it had the desired affect) and a huge smile on my face.

Everyone made a effort to get into the groove be it decked out in neon or working leather and lace. Mario, Top Gun, Rambo, Adam Ant, Madonna and BananaMan made guest apperences. I love my leg warmers and may start wearing them round the house when it gets colder.

I still need to work out what to do on my actual birthday, suggestions gratefully received.

I'd like to get excited about seeing Madness in 7 days but Roo now having (it seems) non stop night terrors.........

I'm so tired.
I want to cry but I don't have the energy.
Mirrie was up before we'd even gone to bed. Seeing as the hallway is half plastered meaning we couldn't reattach the safety gate we bought her straight in with us.
But she still didn't sleep. By 4am she was screaming and headbutting and wailing for me despite the fact I was holding her.
It has to be said that trying to approach this with a more positive attitude is helping and I don't feel stressed out - I just feel exhausted. I will be in the office by 7am, I struggled yesterday because I'd had virtually no sleep but it was twice what I've had last night..............

I am looking forward to my party tho - if I can stay awake! I think I'll have to mostly stick to soft drinks tho or I'll be curled up in a corner by 9pm!

Stocked and Shunned

I'm in.
I've got a place on my diploma and thanks to Gemma being a total star I have already been to RCAT and enrolled - and paid a great wodge of cash with 4 more instalments to go.

I feel totally elated and totally terrified at the same time.

I have wanted to do this for so long and its finally a reality.

wow.

I've had a couple of awful, hard and stressful days which have left me, as my mum says, frazzled.

However it has reminded me once again what a lovely lot of friends and family I have so in that sense the stress is worth it.

My mum has also made me think a bit about my method of parenting, pertinent and wise words indeed.

AND I just found a crunchie in the fridge - result!

The heat is on

So the interview is finally done.
Maybe after so much build up and worry not just over that but the children and everything else it is no surprise that I had a headache so intense I went to bed at 8pm last night and wasn't fit to get up until nearly 4pm today.

I think it went well, I feel like I gave it my best shot and now I just wait, probably for about 2 weeks. It was hugely demanding and the heat didn't help. I met some interesting people though and having just experienced the joy that is Shakeaways in Meadowhall, we have already pledged to go for a celebratory shake if we make it on to the course.

They couldn't have hammered home any harder just how demanding the course is going to be both mentally and financially. I'd be lying if I said this didn't cause me some concern but realistically like most things I am going to have to feel the fear and did it anyway (I hope).

I am also pleased to announce that I have had a piece accepted by BlackPennyMusic and I am now in talks with the editor about writing for them regularly. John was very complimentary about my piece which was obviously a big boost having not written for anyone but myself for so long. I haven't done this sort of work for quite a while but thoroughly enjoyed writing my first piece and can't wait to get back into it. Of course at this rate I may have to give up on regular sleep....

The summer holidays are fast approaching and I am partly dreading it. This house is too small to keep 2 such livewires occupied for any real length of time. In order to afford college we will have to cut back our already non existent budget and try and find more activities to keep them occupied for free. All suggestions gratefully received.

On the subject of expense its our second visit to the osteopath on Friday. Fingers crossed we don't have a full on meltdown again, the appointment is only half an hour long this time. The GP called back today too and said she wants to see Boo in a month to review the possible petite mal. She is still not really sleeping and headbanging a lot at the moment. I am guessing in part the excessive heat won't be helping. I am hoping to see some improvement after this weeks session though.

I also tried putting Roo in pants to more accurately log her continence problems but its just impossible, I have neither enough changes of clothing or patience. My wonderful mum in law has offered to have her to stay for a weeks intensive 1-2-1 training (and also to give us a break) and I think I am going to take her up on the offer. I think a change of scene will help and Roo loves spending time with her Granny and the dogs. I will miss her terribly but it might help Boo to have some 1-2-1 time with us - or it might make her worse, really, who can tell?

I am looking forward to the party. Chris is getting into character as Goose and growing a 'tash, not sure quite how I feel about THAT plus currently watching Top Gun and Goose dying always makes me sad. I am sadly quite excited that we are doing proper 20p style mixes instead of party bags. I have sent the music list to the pub manager and given my mum some mildly embarrassing baby photos of Alan and me to put up - the idea being that I won't have any shocks instore next Friday.

I also volunteered to bring my start date for NACC forward, first duty is the 23rd of July. I have a resources folder to read through but other than that there is not much I can do. Busy, busy but it feels like a good and productive type of busy. Maybe this is why I haven't been watching Big Brother this year, or maybe its just that its shite?

P.S I think I am getting a certificate or something from David Blunkett next week for my gardening course. Which is nice.

You make me wanna scream

I LOVE Pete, Caelia and Ada nearly more than is decent.

I love them anyway but thanks to their huge generosity I am finally going to see Madness (and The Pogues and of course The Fun Loving Criminals) at Nottingham Spledour. I am so excited I nearly cried and then when I thanked Pete he was even lovelier and I actually did well up.

On the 19th July I will realise a very long held (literally half my life) wish to see Madness live. I may combust! And least we forget Huey has invited Pete for a pint so maybe I can hide under his coat and sneak backstage too.... *actually combusts*

OK so back to real life.
A mixed and very busy day. The Osteopath, Chris, is just lovely and it made the necessity of reliving Mirries very difficult pregnancy and birth a little easier. I had a momentary but very large pang of guilt when he explained that stress hormones pass through to the placenta, plus the labour, birth and its aftermath all contributed to Mirries ongoing issues. Still I didn't do it on purpose so I can't expend energy on that. Neither can I let myself dwell on all that sadness and pain again.

Mirrie did have a melt down complete with blood but Chris was so calm and he said it was better to see how she was. He also commented how hard it must be. He did manage to do some work on her and she sat very quietly through out.

She slept afterwards, had a good afternoon at creche and then playing with Gemma. But I made the mistake of going to the loo after she'd been in bed (and quiet) for 45 minutes and she hit a new low in the meltdown steaks and will be sporting yet more bumps and bruises tomorrow. Still I was warned she might get worse before she gets better. Right now I just hope she goes to sleep at some point.

And of course Michael Jackson is dead.
How strange.
I loved some of his music. I think he was a sad and lonely man.

What makes me angry is that with every death of this magnitude the boundaries are pushed ever further. A picture of the stretcher. A picture of the computer logging the 911 call. A group of people round the ambulance filming it with their mobile phones. Its not entirely the fault of the media, they are partly fueling and partly responding to an seemingly unquenchable thirst for every last detail.

You can't watch so you watch through your fingers.